A Letter To Myself
You deserve better. I’m sorry for what I’ve done.
Dear Taylor,
I’m sorry I didn’t know. It’s not an excuse for the things I’ve subjected you to, but it is the truth. I did my best to protect you. I just never knew the best way to do it.
At some point, it stops being the adults’ fault and becomes our own. But what I want to impress onto you is the reality that we only know what we’re shown and what we’re taught. And what I was taught was what I did for you.
I was taught that to be worthy external validation is essential. That neglect and abuse are expressions of love. That the only thing that should be easy is you. It’s taken me a long time, but I finally see the destruction these lessons imposed on your life.
You’ve been body conscious since the age of 3 and “boy crazy” since the age of 5. These were tiny seeds planted in you at such an early age, and they flourished as you became an adult. You learned that beauty only looked one way and that way was not you and never could be you. Your body became the measurement of your worth and men were the scale.
The men that you obtained with ease, I shunned. I told you there was something wrong with them for wanting you. And then, I insisted that you pursue the men who reinforced that neglect and abuse are love. They told you’re not enough…