A Letter To Myself
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You deserve better. I’m sorry for what I’ve done.
Dear Taylor,
I’m sorry I didn’t know. It’s not an excuse for the things I’ve subjected you to, but it is the truth. I did my best to protect you. I just never knew the best way to do it.
At some point, it stops being the adults’ fault and becomes our own. But what I want to impress onto you is the reality that we only know what we’re shown and what we’re taught. And what I was taught was what I did for you.
I was taught that to be worthy external validation is essential. That neglect and abuse are expressions of love. That the only thing that should be easy is you. It’s taken me a long time, but I finally see the destruction these lessons imposed on your life.
You’ve been body conscious since the age of 3 and “boy crazy” since the age of 5. These were tiny seeds planted in you at such an early age, and they flourished as you became an adult. You learned that beauty only looked one way and that way was not you and never could be you. Your body became the measurement of your worth and men were the scale.
The men that you obtained with ease, I shunned. I told you there was something wrong with them for wanting you. And then, I insisted that you pursue the men who reinforced that neglect and abuse are love. They told you’re not enough, and they insisted that the things you desire you are not worthy of.
I believed it. You believed it. The people you trusted the most believed it too. And because it was our truth, I did everything I could to reinforce the messaging and validate your worthlessness. Sadly, I succeeded.
But I didn’t know that’s what I was doing. And now that I see what I’ve done, I want to make it right. I want to stand up for you. To make choices that serve you. To choose you. I want, and will, choose you every single time. Because if I don’t, no one will.
We won’t chase for affection anymore. We deserve better and are worth more than that. We won’t remain with a person who says I love you but ignores what you say or need. We won’t measure your value to that of what your family or others say. We won’t measure you against anyone, actually. And when I am tempted to compare you to another woman, I will remind myself that it isn’t either-or, it’s both and. There is no one type of beauty.
You deserve to feel safe and secure. Not only in relationships, home, work, and finances — but in your skin and your mind.
I’m sorry I’ve never let you feel this way. You are worthy and deserving of everything your heart desires. Particularly safety. Especially peace.
You are worthy and deserving of unconditional love.
You are worthy and deserving of forgiveness.
I promise I will do everything in my power to make this happen.
I love you,
Taylor
