Back On the Wagon

TaylorRuth
3 min readFeb 16, 2024

In more ways than one

Photo by Chris Chow on Unsplash

November 2021 I ended my two years stint with sobriety. I also ended my two year stint with writing. Hindsight cannot tell me if the quitting was correlated. What it does tell me is that I was doing both for reasons other than what I believed them to be.

In 2019 I quit drinking because I felt the way one feels after drinking for a decade straight. Exhausted, bloated, a little bored with it as well. One week turned to two, then a month and then I started discovering all of these firsts that I’d never experienced before. Those — for me — were right reasons.

But then those firsts became less motivating and instead I found myself trying to impress the only person who mattered to me — my Daddy. He would say, “I wish I could,” or “ I don’t know how you do it,” or “I could never,” and I took those expressions as “I’m proud of you,” and so I continued to abstain for him.

But then he died.

And then his family quit talking to me.

And then I quit talking to my mom.

And then I remained sober for 8 more months after that alone in France.

In September, 6 months after he died, I got a dog from the SPA — the humane society in France.

In October I spoke with my therapist and explained that sobriety wasn’t serving me anymore. I wanted to be like everyone else. And with some consideration and a few more therapy sessions I decided I would become just like everyone else. That was in November of 2021.

It’s been a little over two years since that decision. And about 30 days ago I decided that it’s time I get back on the wagon. I found myself, yet again, bored with the feeling of feeling terrible and exhausted. I also found myself missing something that I’ve only ever felt in sobriety — special.

I enjoyed having the type of self control to go to work events or bars and not feel compelled to drink — I was proud of myself for it. It was something that was special about me to me. And that is the only time in my entire life I’ve ever felt that.

During the two+ years of drinking again I lost the notion that I had “something” about me. In all honesty, I stopped feeling anything about myself except disdain and shame.

Which was also the reason I stopped pressing the publish button on Medium. It wasn’t that I didn’t have anything to write. It was that I was so embarrassed and ashamed of myself that I couldn’t bare to share anything.

But today I thought it would make sense if I tried again. I did it with sobriety so why not try it again here?

--

--