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Confessions of an abuser.
Experiencing abuse allowed me to recognize my own abusive patterns.
Psychology says we replicate the relationships the way that we’re shown as children. The relationship that was demonstrated for me as a child was wild and angry. My parents were tormented by their unresolved demons from their childhood and so tormented each other. As a child, I vowed to never be this way. I broke my vow time and time again. .
In my 18th year, I began creating conflict in my relationships. Not just with my boyfriend, but with my friends. I was competitive, insecure, and dramatic. Unknowingly, I positioned myself for conflict. I needed a stir up, and if one didn’t naturally exist, then I created it.
I created it in obvious and not so obvious ways. I tried to mold my partners into the people I wanted to be. That is not a typo. It wasn’t who I wanted them to be, it was who I wanted to be. I projected my self-hatred and inadequacies onto them. I wanted them to be more refined, more ambitious, and in every other way more. I was never satisfied. Like many women, I nitpicked and nagged mindlessly, unknowing of the pain I inflicted and uncaring of how it damaged my other.
Until my mid-twenties, I also cheated. I cheated on every single partner I had. In their and my inability to be more, I went out searching and got it. The more was attention. I…