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Redemption of a Perfectionist
How I found salvation after abusing substances, my partners, and myself.
I am constantly trying to improve myself. Sometimes, it’s from a good place of trying to be a better, more compassionate, loving human being. Normally, it’s perfectionism. American culture embraces perfectionism and loops it into our relentless work ethic and hunt for the American dream. Only until recently, I learned that perfectionism is actually a symptom of trauma. It manifests in people who have experienced a variety of circumstances, including being a child of addicts, partners of abuse, and loved ones of bipolar & borderline personality disorder. I happen to be all three- plus some. I have and continue too, spend a lot of time, money, and energy addressing this symptom. Several times, I’ve defeated the beast.
When picking a partner, it seemed I always forgot to mention that they were supposed to be on a similar path of exploration and growth and expected to be doing it my way.
What I’ve experienced to be one of the most painful downfalls of this tendency is how I project it on to my partners. It is not enough that my self-perceived mediocrity is the elephant in my ego’s room. No, I add some spice to it by expecting and projecting my thoughts of…